Communication is way over rated

So, I know what Dr. Phil says about couples and communication, but after 20 years of marriage I can honestly say that Joe and I have done pretty well without it. I'm sure its a handy tool for some people, it just doesn't work for us. In fact, the very first fight we ever had was about communication, or the lack thereof. We had just seen a movie that was a spin-off of Cyrano DeBurjurac (or however its spelled) anyway, the guy in the movie (none other than Steve Martin) had all these wonderful ways of describing his burning love for his girlfriend. He put in to words, romantic words, details about her beauty, her hair, and even her feet (for pete's sake). After that movie, I was addicted and wanted some pretty words from my man, too. So, for the next two hours I pleaded, begged, nagged and bribed my newlywed husband to wax poetic and tell me some beautiful reasons why he couldn't resist me. And he absolutely refused! Now, I am not without my charms, at least back in the day anyway, and there had been lots of boys before Joe that had gone on and on about them in song and poem, so I knew it could be done. Alas the more Joe refused the more angry I became. Finally, around 11:00pm he relented and said "OK, if I tell you something I like about you, you have to promise me not to laugh." Finally, I was going to get the romance I craved, and what made it even sweeter was that my guy was so shy about it. "Of course I would never laugh, darling, you can tell me anything." And I really did mean it, at the time I sincerely believed I was telling the truth. But I was so totally unprepared for what was about to come out of his mouth, after which, me laughing at him was the least of his worries. I remember we were sitting on the bed, facing each other and holding hands, and he looked into my dewy honeymoon eyes and said, "Well, when you kiss me it makes feel like going to sleep". For real. No lie. That is what he said, you see the quotation marks don't you? Things like that a girl doesn't forget. Ever. EVER. E V E R! If I thought I was angry before when he wouldn't whisper sweet nothings in my ear, after his declaration of "love" - I don't even know what you could call it. But I will tell you this, saying I was mad then is like saying Niagra Falls is an irrigation ditch. (I'm going for the understatement here). I stormed off, and in a small basement apartment, that is quite an accomplishment. Joe promptly fell into a deep, peaceful sleep. Without me even kissing him. Go figure. I know his sleep was deep and peaceful because I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning watching him do it. I was fuming like Geneva Steel. All night. Well a week or two later when I began talking to him again (Ibelieve it is important not to hold grudges in a marriage) he explained that what he was saying was that when I kiss him, it was so wonderful and relaxing , that he felt like floating away, like you do when you sleep. Hmmmm.

Now fast forward 2o years from that day to the present. Communication still continues to taunt us, dangling in our relationship somewhere just out of reach. Luckily, we have 6 children who interrupt us any time we attempt it, or there might be many more stories like the one above. I don't pretend to understand Joe any better than he understands me. However, we can communicate by the raise of an eyebrow, a smirk, a sigh (sighs speak volumes!) things like that that don't get us in trouble the way words do. We have learned to compensate for our handicap by just really being in love with each other anyway. Kind of like a person who can't see will hear really well. I love Joe so much some times I feel my heart will jump out of my chest and start tapdancing for him on the table. That's serious love. When I see him at the end of the day, I am amazed at how handsome he has grown in my abscense. And when he puts on his black Sunday suit, wow! I can't take my eyes off of him. (It's a good thing he is no longer in the bishopric sitting on the stand, it made it very hard for me to focus on the sermons.) Still, it might be nice if talking were an option.

Case in point, today he came home from work early. I was thrilled, the kids were gone and we would have time to talk after he rested. I busied myself with housework while he napped, and when he woke up he called me in to the bedroom and said "Hey, you should watch Oprah today." Joe hates Oprah, clear back from the days when I watched her religiously, he called her the "prophetess" and he didn't say it in a nice way, either. So as I pondered Joe's suggestion, it dawned on me that he had seen all the work I was doing and he wanted me to relax and watch something I enjoyed - not realizing it had been years since I'd seen the prophetess. So I took his advice, laid down on the bed, took the controls and began to watch. The show that day was about people who hoard things, but like in the extreme. Animals and small children go missing on a regular basis in these hoarding homes. I was getting pretty "creeped out" as my kids would say. Then Joe entered the room, and I got the distinct impression - again from what he said (dang those words!) he wasn't wanting me to rest from my labors, he was wanting me to labor harder....because he thinks I am a hoarder! Talk about your miscommunication.

All of this clearly says to me that Joe either has a death wish, or an I want to sleep on the couch til March wish. But since we have such problems communicating, I will never know for sure which one it really is.