Sunday thoughts in the hospital

Dane and I are spending our Sunday here again in the hospital. After coming home last Saturday from his appendectomy, his fever was high on Thursday, and that night he had another surgery. This time it was much more invasive, leaving him with a 6 inch incision, and tubes going in and out of everywhere, and I mean everywhere.

Watching Dane struggle thru this physically and emotionally has been one of the most challenging things I have ever experienced. He got out of a two hour surgery at 10:00pm on Thursday and at 2:00 am Friday morning he had to get up and walk. He was shaking, he had absolutely no color in his face, he was sweating profusely as he tried to swing his legs over the side of the bed. And there was absolutely nothing I could do to help him. He didn't cry, but I did. The nurse encouraged him to just walk to the door, and when he did, he walked further, and then he kept walking. His steps were tiny, his shoulders were hunched and his whole body quivered but everyone in the nurses station stopped what they were doing to watch Dane. No one could believe how far he was going. He took about 50 steps and it took him 15 minutes to do it.

Since then, I have been thinking a lot about people who have to watch those they love suffer. It's nothing new, this sort of thing has been going on since the dawn of time, and I wonder how other people got thru it. I wonder how the pioneers could cross the plains and know their choices brought so much suffering to their family. I wonder about the mothers in worn torn countries who try to keep their little ones out of harm's way.

In many cases those of us who watch our loved ones suffer are powerless to assuage the pain. I know I would give anything I have, everything I have, and mortgage our future to find some way bring relief to my little boy. (I am so thankful to the caring professionals who are speeding his recovery and help him with pain management). If I could I would gladly take his pain on me. But there is a Father who is all powerful, who has more love than I can comprehend who watched His Son carry more pain than can be imagined. And He let the Savior do it, and did not invervene. I wonder a lot about Heavenly Father, and how He could've endured that day. The day the atonement was made for me.

Was He able to watch His Son suffer because of His perfect understanding of the plan of salvation? Or was it because Heavenly Father has such self mastery that He was able to see the drops of blood, the crown of thorns and the cross without intervening?

I will tell you that there is no man on this earth strong enough to have been able to drag me away from Dane's bedside during his times of greatest distress. Dane didn't want to be alone, and I couldn't have been anywhere else. The Savior didn't want to be alone either, He asked his disciples 3 times, if they could stay awake and pray for Him while the pains of the atonement came on. 3 times He found them asleep. The scriptures also record that a loving Heavenly Father sent an angel to support and comfort Him during Gethsemene. But the thing that literally breaks my heart is that we know from the scriptures there was a time, a time of great suffereing, right before the Savior's death on the cross that the Father removed His presence from Jesus. For some reason, it was necessary that the Savior complete His mission alone, without the Father, who had forever been at His side. But how could the Father bear being parted from His child during his greatest moment of need? I cannot imagine it.

The spirit whispers to me that all these things were made possible thru love. Love is what makes it impossible for me to watch Dane suffer. If I was told Dane's pain was necessay to save someone else's life, even many persons lives, I am pretty sure I would not want him to do it. Greater love made it possible for a better Father watch His Son drink a bitter cup, and not stop it. This Father gave everything He had, His precious Son, to save me from eternal suffering, and it takes my breath to even think about it. It was not self discipline, or knowledge that brought Christ and Heavenly Father thru that moment, it simply was love.

Thanks be to God, for that day, that an all powerful Father was able to let His Son be my Savior. I am humbled to know that on that day, some of the pain that the Son experienced was for me and Dane. He knows our suffering, because it was His during the atonement.

As I sit here with my little son, I have felt the Lord's spirit. It has come to my heart on the wings of your prayers. His Spirit has been our comfort and our encouragement. After this experience, I hope I will reflect more deeply on the atonement and dedicate my life to learning the kind of love that made it all possible.